The chapter is over but her legacy is not

I wanted to write a post to continue on with my blog back to the regular things I want to write about however it didn’t seem right to not post a follow up about my Mom.

First, how cute is she in the picture above?! So cute!

I could go on and tell you about the pain she was in days before she had her second surgery on February 28^th  2013 but those details would make no difference. I could tell you about how much HOPE we had that her life was changing for the better and how she was in absolutely NO PAIN after February 28^th 2013 but those details would also make no difference.  

My Mom was getting prepared to be perfect to make her way back home to heaven. The past two years were HER storm before HER calm. My God greeted my Mom on the afternoon of March 20^th 2013. Welcoming her into heaven, her new home for eternity.

I don’t want to go into too many details about what happened February 28^th 2013–March 20^th 2013 since honestly it will not change anything. The day my Mother was conceived God knew he would see her in his kingdom on March 20^th 2013 no matter what the circumstances were.

These past days have been some of the worst days of my entire life. I question daily 

• Why did this happen?

• Why do I have to be a 27 year old woman with no Mother and no Father?

• Who do I go to for guidance?

• Who do I call when I am having a bad day?

I have learned that for some messed up reason God must believe I am independent enough to survive without them. IT SUCKS!

To get through difficult days I have been saying things that my Mom would say to me….. things like “You made it through another day” “You should be so proud of yourself” I know sadly her voice I hear inside my head will one day change into my own voice the way God intends it to be but I hope that day does not come soon.

After my Mom passed away I found a journal she wrote that has provided me great comfort. I read it when I am upset and angry about my life… She writes…

” I sometimes feel as if God has forgotten about me, I feel I’ve done something wrong but I have to look at the positive side. I have to remember that everything GOD puts in front of me are for a purpose. The anguish and turmoil I feel are for me to learn something that GOD wants me to experience …Sometimes when the pain is soo unbearable I have to keep going…When I feel death would be a easy way out I have to remind myself that I promised to serve my savior and he is not done with me yet. I pray pray pray that GOD shows me what he wants me to do”

For me, many days the pain of her being gone is soo unbearable. I feel so lost, the kind of feeling you get when you left your cell phone at home or when you know you didn’t put on deodorant. I feel like this everyday.

Daily when I spend hours in bed crying I wish she would be here to lay in bed with me and hug me the way she used to when I would be stressed out about little reasons that now seem so stupid.

I am thankful for all the emails and letters my Mom would often write me when I was having a bad day. I recently found an email she wrote me that says “I don’t know why the devil is trying to discourage you but I know when you are done with this experience you will be a better person”

Will I be a better person after THIS experience?

My Mom always looked for the positive in things and people, even when we all knew there was no positive. She always found it.
 

I could continue to have a pity party for myself everyday but when that happens I can hear my Mom say what she would always say when I did that… “We don’t have time to just sit around, a lot of people are depending on you to change the world”

My goal through this experience is to share my experience maybe not change the world but change someone’s life. I hope to find my actual calling very soon even through my daily sadness.

To all mothers, encourage your children the way my Mom encouraged me. Write your children notes, emails, send them letters in the mail and leave voice mails. It might not make a difference today but one day it will. Below is one of the many voice mails my mom left to me.

 

My Mom’s chapter is over but I know her legacy is not. A good friend/mentor asked me one day “Have you ever thought that maybe your mom's legacy is you and the unquenchable fire in you that keeps you going each and every day?”

Everyday is a different story. 

  

“I was waiting for the longest time, she said. I thought you forgot. It is hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.”― Brian Andreas, Story People